Jayelle (princesswitch) wrote,

What It Feels Like for a Bisexual

We've been bitching about bisexual invisibility and stupid comments at BiNetUSA, and so I decided to update a satiric column I wrote two years ago. (Some of you may be familiar with it.) The idea was to make fun of common anti-bisexual statements and their faulty logic by applying them to other physical traits, such as hair color and height. They ended up sounding ridiculous, which was the point.

What It Feels Like for a Bisexual

Are you a completely straight or gay person who doesn’t understand bisexuality or bisexual people? Have you managed to offend every bisexual you’ve ever met? Maybe we’re an exceptionally sensitive group of people…or maybe we have every right in the world to take offense sometimes. The following is a bit of guided visualization for you.

· “I just can’t trust someone who can’t even decide whether she prefers straight or curly hair, you know?”
· “You like tall and short people? Well, double your pleasure, double your fun, eh?”
· “Blondes and brunettes? That’s cool. You must have a date every weekend.”
· “The reason AIDS has entered the blue-eyed community is because selfish people who ‘go both ways’ catch it from their brown-eyed sex partners and take it home to their unsuspecting blue-eyed spouses.”
· “You like all races? So how can you stand to date only one woman?”
· “I bet you’ve got a skinny lover and a fat lover. That’s what you people who like all body types do, right?”
· “I’m sorry. You’re nice and everything, but as a tall woman, I can’t date a tall woman who’s had sex with short women so recently. I’m so afraid of getting a disease. Don’t take it personally.”
· “God, what is he doing in a fat man’s club? I heard he was with a skinny guy last year…”
· “When I was your age, I said that breast size didn’t matter, too. But later, I got the nerve to come out as a man who prefers small breasts. One day, you’ll be ready to embrace your true self.”
· “Look, we’re trying to make a cohesive statement to the mainstream. Can’t you pretend you’re only interested in short people for one day? Why do you have to be so difficult?”
· “It’s perfectly normal for a young blond teen to look at other blonds. At your age, you’re just beginning to figure things out, and it’s very common for 13-year-olds to check out the competition and compare themselves with their peers. But soon you’ll grow out of that stage, and you’ll be ready for real relationships with dark-haired people.”
· “You’re only 19—you’re still trying to figure out who you are. A lot of blond college students experiment with people of all hair colors, but it doesn’t become a permanent lifestyle.”
· “You say you like all eye colors because it’s trendy now.”
· “Yes, I’m dating a tall person now, but he’s an exception. I still identify as a short-lover because of my politics, and because I’m primarily attracted to short people.”
· “I know I was married to a brunette in the past, but that was a mistake. I’ve come out as my true blonde-loving self since then.”
· “There are so many celebrities now who say they like short and tall people. You know they’re just saying that for the publicity.”
· “You slept with an introvert in college?! I can’t believe you! I mean, you’ve never had any trouble attracting extroverts…”
· “I slept with another blue-eyed person once, but we were in college and we were both drunk.”
· “Be honest—which hair color do you really like?”
· “I saw someone like you on TV the other day! Yeah, there was this man on Jerry Springer who had a midget girlfriend? But he was also into tall women, and his girlfriend didn’t know about it? So they bring out this other person he’s been sleeping with—a seven-foot stripper who was soooo ghetto…”
· “Man, you’re into all hair colors? You need some professional help!”
· “Nowadays, everything from music videos to school lessons teach impressionable children that the thin-loving lifestyle is equivalent to moral, Godly relationships with fat people. Can we afford to stand by idly while our children become indifferent to body mass?”
· “You like other thin people, too? That’s so cool! I’ve always wanted to watch two thin people go at it, maybe even join in…”
· “If you let everyone know you’re attracted to other redheads, no decent blond or brunette will want you.”
· “What you do on your own time is your business, but do you have to make such a big deal about liking all eye colors at work?”
· “I guess for someone like you who likes both black and white, your perfect partner would be one of those biracial people.”
· “What you need is a real brunette to make you forget about those other blonds.”
· “What you need is another good blonde to make you forget about brunets.”
· “What happened to make you like all heights? Were you abused as a child?”
· “Britney Spears’ and Madonna’s outrageous kiss at the MTV Video Music Awards will encourage young blonds to experiment among themselves, sending them into a lifetime of sexual confusion and blurring the well-established boundaries of sexuality further…”
· “How can you date someone who likes all eye colors? Aren’t you afraid?”
· “You just want it both ways. You want thin-loving privilege and the joys of being with a fat person.”
· “She may say she loves you now, but one day, she’ll leave your fat ass for a skinny person.”
· “I think you’re just afraid to commit to one eye color.”
· “He’s scared to come out as short-loving; that’s why he says he doesn’t care about height.”
· “I feel so sorry for that poor blond who married you! I just know you’re gonna leave him for a brunet and break his heart!”
· “I was worried about all that experimenting with other curly-haired people, but I’m so glad you’ve finally gotten over it and found a nice straight-haired person to marry!”
· “I can’t believe people like you are allowed to keep their children! You’re raising those innocent babies to be all-height-loving perverts, too!”
· “Everyone is born either fat-loving or thin-loving. Nobody has a choice in the matter.”
· “Having dated a short person, how can you stand to go back to talls?”
· “Even the best blondes are difficult to live with. Two brunettes share a wonderful bond based on equality.”
· “Why don’t you stick to one eye color like everyone else?”
· “If same-height marriage is legalized, a bi-height-ual might appeal to the courts for the right to legally ‘marry’ two people, one tall and one short. After all, wouldn’t they also deserve the right to marry according to their sexual orientation?”
· “Yes, Shakespeare wrote sonnets addressing both a fair young man and a dark lady, but we’re certain that he was oriented exclusively towards dark hair.”
· “Yes, Shakespeare wrote sonnets addressing both a fair young man and a dark lady, but we’re certain that he was oriented exclusively towards light hair.”
· “You ought to come to my church. We have a special ministry to help curly-haired people attracted to their own hair type.”
· “Since you can have a relationship with a person of the opposite hair color, why don’t you do that instead of making things harder for yourself?”
· “This organization is for everyone: black, white, Asian, and Hispanic, straight-loving and curl-loving, male and female…”
· “Thin people who prefer thin partners are bad enough, but people who don’t care about body mass at all are just plain perverted.”
· “I can see where people might be born to prefer partners of their own height, but how do you justify being attracted to all heights?”
· “You may think you’re having fun now, gallivanting around with thin people and other fat people, but one day, you’ll pay a terrible price. What do you mean, you’re paying it right this second?”

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